How to write a eulogy, with a simple structure that works

A eulogy does not need to be long or polished. It needs to sound like the person who has died, and like you. Aim for three to seven minutes, roughly 400 to 900 words, built around two or three stories that only people who knew them could tell.

Start by gathering, not writing

Before you write a single sentence, spend half an hour collecting material. Ask family and friends three questions:

• What is one story that sums them up?
• What did they always say?
• What will you miss most?

Write the answers down exactly as people say them. The best lines in a eulogy are usually things someone said over a cup of tea, not things anyone set out to write.

A five-part structure

Most good eulogies follow the same simple shape:

1. Who you are. One sentence on your relationship. “I’m Sarah, Jim’s eldest daughter.”
2. Who they were. The basic facts, briefly: where they grew up, their work, their family.
3. What they were like. Two or three short stories that show their character.
4. What they gave us. The lessons, habits or kindnesses that live on in other people.
5. Goodbye. A final line addressed to them, or a closing thought for everyone in the room.

That is it. You do not need a dramatic opening or a grand conclusion.

Choosing the stories

A story beats a list of qualities every time. “She was generous” is forgettable. “She paid for the neighbour’s boiler repair and told him it was under warranty” is not.

Pick stories that are short (under a minute each), that most people in the room will recognise as true, and that end with a small point about who they were. Gentle humour is welcome at almost every funeral. It is a relief to laugh, and laughter is often the most accurate tribute.

If a story might embarrass a family member or reopen an old disagreement, leave it out. A eulogy is not the place to settle anything.

Writing it down

Write the way you speak. Short sentences are easier to say when your voice is unsteady. Read each paragraph aloud as you go and cut any phrase that trips you up.

Avoid long lists of names. Thank the people who need thanking, but keep it brief or ask the celebrant to do it.

Getting through it on the day

• Print it in large type, at least 16 point, with wide line spacing. Do not read from your phone.
• Mark your pauses. A slash after a sentence reminds you to breathe.
• Practise out loud three or four times. The more familiar the words, the less likely they are to catch you out.
• Have a back-up reader. Give a copy to someone you trust. If you cannot continue, they can step in, and nobody will think less of you.
• Take water to the lectern.

It is completely normal to cry. Stop, breathe, and carry on when you are ready. Everyone in the room is on your side.

How long should a eulogy be?

Check with the funeral director or celebrant. Crematorium services in the UK are often booked in slots of 30 to 45 minutes, so there may be strict limits, especially if several people are speaking. Three to five minutes is a safe target for one speaker.

When you cannot face writing it

Grief makes writing hard. If you are struggling, you can ask someone to help shape your memories into words. A good eulogy writer will talk with you for half an hour, listen to the stories, and give you a draft that still sounds like you, usually within a couple of days.